I smell stomach acid.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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