I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
