Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
