I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
