I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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