I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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