12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
