I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
