i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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