His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
