yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
