Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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