a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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