well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
