Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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