Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We're too hungover to prance.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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