i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
