i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
