Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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