Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
