it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
