the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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