I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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