Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
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Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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