Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
