he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
