I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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