Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize