it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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