Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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