so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
