I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
