I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
