how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
