She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
