oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
