I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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