I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
