ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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