The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
