I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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