Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
