The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
