A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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