I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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