He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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