im six kinds of drunk right now
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
