it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
