You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
