The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
