Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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