Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
