I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
