Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
