I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
