trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
